Lifelong Learning Programme

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Personal Experience

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Feels alone

Language: English
Country: Lithuania
Typology: patients and relatives
I want to tell you my story. I was in my first semester of college when I was diagnosed with MS. I woke up with my face half fallen, No feeling in my right arm and thought I was dying. I spent an entire day in the emergency room than they sent me home, and said to see my doctor the next day. He had no idea what was wrong and admitted me to the hospital that day. Being 18 years old and not knowing what is going on with your body was the scariest time of my life. The doctors did so many tests, and x-rays, and scans that I was so sick of it. After they told me what it was and the worst case of how I could end up I thought my life was over. Who would think that someone who has been an athlete their entire life would end up like this. I was so depressed all I wanted to do was sleep and I pushed away everyone who was close to me. I decided Ii was going to beat this and continue my athletic goals. I am currently 50 years old and have a job. I never would have though that 10 years ago I would be able to do all of what I do. I go through so much every day just to seem like a normal person, yet I know that I will never be like everyone else. I will always have to deal with having MS, I will always need more sleep than anything else, and I will always tend to push everyone away when I feel like they do not get it. For the rest of my life I will have to think about my medication regimen before anything else, I will always be the person who feels left out. But somehow continuing to cheer through all of this makes me feel more normal, more like I have control over at leas one tiny thing in my life. Irony is that I have to be able to control my body and my will to do so is keeping me as healthy as I think I will ever be. If only people understood how I actually feel every day when I get up, when I go to work, when I do something as simple as running a mile. My life will Never be the same and I have accepted that...but I have not accepted giving up quite yet. And unfortunately I am so lonely.My wife left me 5 weeks ago and ,although, she says it is only temporary,I fear the worst because she is getting a place of her own.I am disabled and are very scared right now..can,t stop crying,can,t eat,can,t sleep. I do not want any nurse or any other assistance at the moment. I want to be alone.Sometimes I speak to our general secretary Aldona.She is trying to help me,but I do not want any assistance from the psychologist or any other specialist.I still live in my dreams about wife.

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